Hope and Longing

Emotions are strange things. It's confusing that so many of them can coexist in the same moment, infusing (or perhaps bombarding is a better word) the soul all at once and rendering one completely incapable of processing them in a dignified way.

This morning after set-up and rehearsal but just before worship, I was standing in the hallway talking with my husband and some friends. I glanced up at a family walking toward us, hand-in-hand, all six of them. In that instant, my mind began processing who they were and where they'd been and who that extra little beautiful Asian face was. A precious family in our church went to China three weeks ago to bring home their 10-year-old daughter. And there she was, with her older caucasian sister and two younger Asian sisters, all in a row holding hands. She had short hair, the front pulled back in colorful little barettes, and suddenly all I could see was K.

The joy, hope and love I felt at the sight of her were overwhelming enough, but there was also that heavy, aching longing from the deepest part of me that exploded again like a volcano. At times, I have felt guilty for not being able to fully give myself over to the joy, as if it is somehow sinful to long for something I do not have. After we lost two babies in a row, I felt it every time someone announced a pregnancy or birth. But I do not allow myself that guilt anymore. It is not jealousy or even envy, but simply longing. I quickly buried my head in Karl's chest to gain composure, but composure was nowhere to be found. Sobbing, I said, "I want my babies home!" I walked away to get it together. I did not want that family to feel that they were the source of my pain because they are not. Our friend Sarah, a young wife who does not yet know the joy of children herself, came and found me and prayed with me. Such a blessing. And then I went to the mother of that precious child who just finally came home after 10 years without a family. I shared with her what a blessing it was to see them and what hope it gives us. I know that she probably understands what I was feeling better than anyone.

I found myself wondering during worship if God had given us such encouragement today because we will be getting good news soon and will be able to go see our children or if He gave it to us because He knows we will need it to keep fighting some battle that stands before us. Only He knows, but either way, we will follow Him and hold on tight to the hope that is in Him.

God gave me hope today. He gave me new motivation. He always gives us what we need. I just hope that soon my children will be the hope-givers....