Can't put my finger on it

Has there ever been a time in your life where you felt God moving in your life in a huge way, like you can almost hear the buzz or feel the electricity in the air? You know something big is happening and that it is going to change your life, but you can't put your finger on it, you don't know where it's leading, and you have no idea yet what it will bring?

It's constant for me right now. I am certain that it is largely because I am finally following through on a 23-year-old promise I made to God by going back to school for a degree in Biblical Studies. Now, I should say that I am not following through because I somehow think I need to appease God so He won't be mad at me. If I had made an emotional promise to Him as a 14-year-old that had no calling behind it, or if I felt that I had blown my chance and He was no longer calling me, the reasons and motivation would be all wrong. But I know that this is still what He wants me to do. I am just thankful that He is allowing it to happen, and He is already blessing me for it.

I have also been very inspired and forced to dig a little deeper because of the daily blog of a dear family friend and visionary in ministry to hurting children and broken families: http://www.bucknerprez.typepad.com/.

Finally (and I don't know where or even whether this figures in yet), there are the issues involved in growing our family and how we want to do that. As you know, we've had two miscarriages in the last six months, and it's been emotionally difficult. We don't know how the lupus stuff will figure into our future efforts, if blood thinners will fix the problem. Add to that the strong desire I have had for many years to adopt a child or children who would otherwise be difficult to place.

Now this is the first and will probably be the last time I mention this in my blog, but it is pertinent: I have a beautiful niece and nephew who, when they came to our family, were considered hard to place. Why? Because they were a sibling group, they were not babies and they were minority. So here's the deal....so what?! Do you have any idea how easily we forget the fact that they didn't come home from the hospital in my sister's arms? I only remember (and I do so proudly because they joined our family in a way that is no less miraculous than childbirth) when the subject of adoption or their birth family is mentioned.

Five years ago, I was a single mom and longed for more children, although I had no such prospects in my future. My brother-in-law and sister knew of two African-American baby girls who needed a homes, and there were articles in some Texas publications about them, asking for families. I began talking to a representative of the organization and learned that the cost was too much for my budget, and they had no funds available to offset this cost. After weeks of trying to work it out, I had to back away, and it broke my heart. I hoped that God had someone better in mind for the girls, but nearly a year later, I ran across another article about them. They were still looking for families, and the babies were still in foster care. I love and support the great work that the organization does, but it just seems so wrong to me that there are children out there without families and parents who want them, but money prevents them from being a family. I struggled with this for a long time, but the desire to adopt has never left me. Karl knows that it is one of the deepest desires of my heart and assures me that even if we do have another biological child, we can someday adopt a child or children in foster care, one of our society's forgotten children. Lately, the thoughts won't leave me. I have even started dreaming about it. I've fallen in love with two precious little girls named Jayshiawan and Ashanti on www.adoptuskids.com and wish I could just go get 'em! But it's up to God's timing, not mine. It is very important that God places it on Karl's heart as well as mine; it is something we must choose together. I know He will when He's ready, so I keep praying.

I sometimes think I use this blog to sort out my own thoughts as much as to keep you guys informed, but I hope maybe it strikes a chord with you too, somehow. I am so excited to see God working, and I'm even more excited to see where it leads me!