Present, Past and Future

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I love this verse. It has encouraged me through so many hard times and has proven to be true over and over again. Sometimes I feel like people recite it as if it were a magic pill for someone who is hurting, as if it should instantly bring complete acceptance at the sound of it, as if it will somehow absolve them of any further responsibility to comfort, pray with or otherwise sully their own cheerful day. God's Word is a wonderful comfort and help, and it is a very important part of healing to see God's promises and claim them, but I think we all have to be careful not to toss a Bible verse at a problem and piously walk away. But this is nonetheless a verse full of promise and encouragement, and it has been on my mind for many days now.

I should be packing a bag now, so that it would be ready when labor began. But I'm not, and I have found myself mourning the loss of our two little ones as much as I did last summer and fall. I haven't said much about it on the blog because I feel like I should be past it. I thought I was through crying a long time ago, but it is fresh as we approach the due date. I think I may have reached a turning point, though, in the last couple of days. Thursday night, one of my close friends confided that she is two weeks late and thinks she may be pregnant. They have been trying for several months, and she has been getting discouraged as each month passes and it hasn't happened. I have so many friends, here at Dover and in Illinois whose pregnancies were timed very closely to ours. I have been happy for them, but I haven't been able to really rejoice with them the way I want to because it is still painful. It has been hard to be around them socially because that is, of course, a very important part of their lives, as it should be, but those conversations are so hard. But Thursday night, I threw my arms up and started cheering and almost cried tears of joy. It was several minutes before I thought anything of my own desire to have another baby. I was totally immersed in the joy of her news. I was so thrilled to realize that I was able to fully share her excitement that it made the rest of my evening. I was relieved.

Since then, I am beginning to dream of trying again. I had all but given up in recent days as I read the statistics that are against me. But today I kept thinking of Memaw Risinger, whose baby boy died shortly after birth. She was told that she could not have another child that would survive. But she did. She trusted God's plan and wisdom rather than man's, and he gave her the desire of her heart. And I remember my mom's dream of my daughter and her vivid description of the child. She has an impeccable track record with her grandchild dreams. Now I won't tell God what His plan is; I'll let Him decide that. But I need to keep an open mind and a positive outlook until He leads me elsewhere.

Hard as it seems, standing in dreams, where is the dreamer now? Wonder if I wanted to try, would I remember how? I don't know the way to go from here, but I know that I have made my choice. This is where I stand until He moves me on, and I will listen to His voice.

This is the faith, patience to wait, when there is nothing clear. Nothing to see, still we believe Jesus is very near. I cannot imagine what will come, but I've already made my choice. This is where I stand until He moves me on, and I will listen to His voice.

Could it be that He is only waiting there to see if I will learn to love the dreams that He has dreamed for me? Can't imagine what the future holds, but I've already made my choice. This is where I stand until He moves me on, and I will listen to His voice.

(Twila Paris, "I Will Listen")